If This Blog Were Cock...

If antibiotics were cocks

2008-11-09T14:15:00.001-05:00

Jim Sweeney would've taken way too many to be immune to anything.

This just in:

2008-08-07T13:13:00.003-04:00

Jim Sweeney to fill hole in Packer offense.

If Chumbawumba were Cumbawumba

2008-08-06T17:38:00.002-04:00

Jim Sweeney would get knocked down, but he'd be up the entire time.

(Concept by Uncle Brenty)

If Captain Jean Luc Picard were Captain Jean Luc Dickhard

2008-08-05T14:56:00.001-04:00

Jim Sweeney would go VERY boldly where no ostensibly straight man has gone before. Like, disturbingly boldly.

If Mick Jagger had been Dick Jagger

2008-08-04T22:44:00.002-04:00

He never would've written the song "Satisfaction." Because of Jim Sweeney.

If the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants were the Brotherhood of the Traveling Cocks

2008-07-29T13:12:00.003-04:00

Well, we all know exactly where they'd be "headed."

If Batman were Scatman

2008-07-24T10:43:00.001-04:00

Master Sweeney would be one Dark Knight, alright!

If multi-touch interface were multi-cocks inyourface

2008-07-19T12:01:00.002-04:00

I don't know. Jim Sweeney would probably eat a fucking iPhone.

If A Few Good Men were A Few Gay Men

2008-07-17T16:03:00.002-04:00

Private Jim Sweeney would certainly be able to handle the "truth," (about Tom Cruise's sexuality).

Contributed by Uncle Brenty

If piña coladas were penis coladas

2008-04-06T23:52:00.001-04:00

Jim Sweeney would constantly be getting caught in the "rain."

On cold winter nights

2008-02-20T10:40:00.002-05:00

Giuseppi Sweeney loves feeling stuffed from MANicotti.

(contributed by Durty Aunt Kris)

If public defenders were pubic defenders

2007-10-29T23:25:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would do EVERYTHING pro bono.

If Halloween were Swalloween

2007-10-28T20:53:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would surely be a'gobblin.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If Trick-or-Treat were Dick-or-Treat

2007-10-26T10:09:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would gleefully hop from door to door, accepting all kinds of "candy" from strangers.
(Contributed by Aunty Marin)

If financial favors were sexual favors

2007-10-10T00:06:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be a living refutation of the law of diminishing "returns."

If economic theories were cockonomic theories

2007-10-09T23:44:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be a big fan of the "free-market" e-cock-a-me.

If the Field of Dreams were a Field of Cocks

2007-10-08T15:56:00.000-04:00

Like Kevin Costner, Jim Sweeney would definitely "build" it to ensure that they would "come."

If Kevin Costner were Kevin Cockner

2007-10-07T16:12:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney's field of dreams would be a nice clearing in the middle of his backyard cock plantation. And it would definitely have bleachers for the "fans."

If scratch-off lottery tickets were scratch-off cocks

2007-10-06T14:46:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would squander his weekly paycheck chasing the big "jackpot."

If A Tribe Called Quest were A Tribe Called Cock

2007-10-05T14:49:00.000-04:00

Jim "Mushroom-Tip" Sweeney would know exactly what the scenario was.

If Kurt Cobain were Kurt Cockbaine

2007-10-03T19:26:00.001-04:00

Jim Sweeney would've blown his fucking head off.

If Octoberfest were Cocktoberfest

2007-10-02T00:04:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would gladly lede your hosen.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If computers were cumputers

2007-09-19T15:50:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would have many, many "laptops."

If the Octagon were the Cocktagon

2007-09-18T23:33:00.000-04:00

Two men would "enter," but Jim Sweeney would definitely never leave.
(Contributed by The Uncle Ton)

If Van Morrison were into dudes

2007-09-17T11:15:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would definitely be his brown-eye girl.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If football kickers were manball lickers

2007-09-16T15:09:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would cheer wildly for a good Packer to split his uprights.

If handkerchiefs were mankerchiefs

2007-09-15T15:02:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney's pockets would be full of snotty rags.

If lower back tattoos were lower cock tattoos

2007-09-14T20:44:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would always be ready to check out your "fresh ink."
(WARNING: the linked picture is NOT for the faint of heart!!)

If Corona were Cockrona

2007-09-13T20:53:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be at a whole different latitude alright...

If rum were bum

2007-09-12T01:00:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would obviously prefer Mount Gay. (Although he clearly wouldn't mind having a lil' Captain Organ in him!)

If the Twin Towers had been the Twin Cocks

2007-09-11T11:50:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would still be crying.
(Contributed by Uncle B-ill)

As if Jim Sweeney would ever wear a condom...

2007-09-10T01:31:00.000-04:00

If British Petroleum were British Petroleum jelly

2007-09-09T19:21:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would have NO problem paying $2.91 per gallon for a full service fill up.

Jim Sweeney's "peep" hole

2007-09-08T14:18:00.000-04:00

(Field work and technical ASSistance by Uncle Destroyer)

If electrical outlets were cock outlets

2007-09-07T20:17:00.001-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be a walking powerstrip.

If hydroelectric power were hydrocock power

2007-09-06T20:00:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be The Tennessee Valley Authority.

If high-tension power lines were high-tension cock lines

2007-09-05T19:52:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be responsible for rolling "blackouts" across the midwest.

Even if Ohms were "Ohmmmmffmm"s

2007-09-04T20:53:00.000-04:00

The way to Jim Sweeney's mouth would always be the path of least resistance.

Some people use ice cubes to keep their drinks cold.

2007-09-03T13:52:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney just uses little frozen cocks.

If Ozzy Osborne were Ozzy Cockborne

2007-09-02T13:19:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would earn the right to play Ozzy's songs with his cover band, Black Cockbath, by biting the heads off of unsuspecting "doves."

If karaoke were cockaoke

2007-09-01T13:38:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would always sing Hit Me with Your Best Shot--Fire awaaaaaaaay!

If la cosa nostra were la cocka nostra

2007-08-31T15:52:00.000-04:00

Guiseppe Sweeney would be ALL OVER this "thing" of ours.

If burgers were cocks

2007-08-30T15:38:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would totally be at the mercy of the King.

If buckeyes were cockeyes

2007-08-29T10:05:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would put the "NUT BUTT" in the peanut butter filling.

Q: Where will Jim Sweeney be in about 40 years?

2007-08-28T11:25:00.000-04:00

A:

(Creative input by Durty Aunt Kris)

If honeybees were cockbees

2007-08-27T20:05:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be an expert of the "waggle dance."

If leather bound books were leather bound cocks

2007-08-26T19:47:00.000-04:00

Professor Sweeney would spend weeks holed-up in his "study."

If pumping iron were pumping cocks

2007-08-25T20:08:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be fucking stacked!

If gang colors were cock colors

2007-08-24T19:57:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would always get his ass kicked, now matter what color he "wore."

If drive-by shootings were drive-by bukakke

2007-08-23T19:53:00.000-04:00

Tha Jizzle Sweenizzle would get gunned down like every day.

If gobstoppers were man balls

2007-08-22T07:58:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would always go for the Jawbreakers.

If Sweeney were Weenie

2007-08-21T08:05:00.000-04:00

Jim would collapse into himself...over and over again.

If Sun Protection Factor were Cock Protection Factor

2007-08-20T14:13:00.001-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be "screening" beach goers left and right.

If sunscreen were cockscreen

2007-08-19T14:09:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would wear SPF -500.

If trumpets were cocks

2007-08-18T13:48:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would blow horns like Dizzy Gillespie.

If tropical storms were cockipal storms

2007-08-17T14:14:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would refuse to "board-up" his "house."

If cookouts were cockouts

2007-08-16T12:04:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would definitely bring all of the buns.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If going incognito were going incocknito

2007-08-15T17:23:00.000-04:00

Special Agent Sweeney would've blown his cover long ago.
(Contributed by Uncle B-ill)

If the Black Crows were the Black Cocks

2007-08-14T11:30:00.000-04:00

You could consider Jim Sweeney's money-maker shaken.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were Teenage Mutant Ninja Cocks

2007-08-13T13:27:00.000-04:00

Master Sweeney would be a sewer rat, training them to become strong and fearsome.

If Caucasian were Cockasian

2007-08-12T00:25:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be an even pastier shade of white.

If Cockney accents were, well, Cockney accents

2007-08-11T23:56:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney's pattern of speech would be totally unintelligible.

If Orthodox were Orthococks

2007-08-10T12:42:00.001-04:00

Jim Sweeney would definitely be Greek.

If keeping kosher was keeping cocksure

2007-08-09T12:11:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweenburgerstein would be fucking ULTRA-orthodox.

If the Diabeetus was the Cockabeetus

2007-08-08T13:16:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be sicker than Wilford Brimley.

If A Clockwork Orange were A Cockwork Orange

2007-08-07T11:24:00.000-04:00

Jimbo Sweeney would always be up for a bit of the old "ultraviolence."

Q: If a cock falls in the forest, does Jim Sweeney make a sound?

2007-08-06T17:21:00.000-04:00

A: Yeah, "mmmmfmmmfmfmmmmmmfffmmmmmmm."

If country clubs were cock clubs

2007-08-05T17:26:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney's would not be very exclusive at all.

If architecture were cockitecture

2007-08-04T17:23:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney's entire structure would be "load-bearing."
(Conceptual inspiration by Uncle Destroyer)

If fossil fuels were cocks

2007-08-03T11:30:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be a one-man energy crisis.

If Jim Sweeney was a Transformer

2007-08-02T16:23:00.000-04:00

He would roll around town flaunting his amazing ability to morph from a big gay truck into a big gay robot.

If diamonds were cocks

2007-08-01T11:36:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney's grill would be all fucking "iced-out."

If precious gemstones were precious cocks

2007-07-31T16:56:00.000-04:00

For Jim Sweeney, diamonds would truly be forever.

If hip openers were lip openers

2007-07-30T16:54:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be crazy into yoga.

If sanity was heterosexuality

2007-07-29T16:00:00.001-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be still crazy, after all these years.

Jim Sweeney's favorite Herbie MANN album

2007-07-28T11:39:00.001-04:00

If Glade Plug-ins were Butt Plug-ins

2007-07-27T23:10:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be begging for someone to plug it in, plug it in!

If John Hancock was John Handcock

2007-07-26T17:16:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would...yeah...handcock.

If the Constitutional Convention had been the Cockstitutional Convention

2007-07-25T15:30:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would've insisted on way more than ten "amendments."

If coonskin caps were cockskin caps

2007-07-24T00:06:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be Davy Fucking Cock-It.

If hypodermic needles were hypodermic cocks

2007-07-23T23:53:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would love a good prick.

If anesthesia was administered with hypodermic cocks

2007-07-22T23:37:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would close his eyes and count upwards from 10''.

If coalmining was cockmining

2007-07-21T23:15:00.001-04:00

Jim Sweeney would have a terminal case of Black Lung...but he wouldn't let that stop him from going down the shaft.

If coal was cock

2007-07-20T13:27:00.001-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be the canary deep in the mine. And he wouldn't stop "singing" when he ran out of air.

If prostitution was cockstitution

2007-07-19T13:12:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be a lady of the evening, and the late evening, and the early morning, and the morning, and the late morning, and the early afternoon, and the afternoon, and the late afternoon, and the early evening...

If Bonaroo was Cockaroo

2007-07-18T13:48:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would totally be the "headliner."

If Lollapalooza was Cockapalooza

2007-07-17T15:18:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would tour the country, "performing" on multiple stages all day long.

If Lord of the Flies was Lord of the Cocks

2007-07-16T15:46:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would totally be "Piggy."

If social ostracization was social cockstracization

2007-07-15T15:20:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be Lord of the Flies.

Even though the cochlea is just a part of your ear

2007-07-14T15:02:00.000-04:00

Jim would still love giving "Wet Sweeneys"--cochlea just sounds so good!
(Creative input by Uncle Destroyer)

If rice patties were cock patties

2007-07-13T15:01:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would flood his entire backyard.
(Contributed by Jim Sweeney himself!)

If the New York Stock Exchange was the New York Cock Exchange

2007-07-12T14:58:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would spend ALL DAY on the floor, on all fours, screaming at the top of his lungs.

If upright bass was upright cock

2007-07-11T18:35:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be playing HIGHLY experimental jazz.

If condensation was cockdensation

2007-07-10T17:47:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be covered in "moisture."

If cacti were cockti

2007-07-09T20:24:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would totally put the "SUC" in "succulent."

If bombs bursting in air were balls bursting on ass

2007-07-08T14:58:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would give proof every night that our fag was still there.

If broad stripes were broad cocks

2007-07-08T14:56:00.000-04:00

They'd be gallantly streaming, alright...right into Jim Sweeney's mouth.

If ramparts were cockparts

2007-07-07T22:34:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would totally be watching o'er them.

If knee-jerk patriotism was cock-jerk patriotism

2007-07-06T13:39:00.000-04:00

These colors would definitely run. All over Jim Sweeney's face.

If the Star-Spangled Banner was the Cock-Spangled Banner

2007-07-05T21:34:00.000-04:00

Jim Sweeney would be covered in red, white & blew.