If the magician's magic box were his magic cocks

The Amazing Sweeney would make them all vanish at once, wowing audiences with his dazzling slight-of-mouth tricks.

If the Federal Bureau of Investigation was the Federal Bureau of Cock Ingestion

Agent Jim Sweeney would constantly mistake his fellow agents' unzipping their pants in the men's room as a matter to be dealt with by "Internal Affairs."

If dictators were dicktators

Agent Jim Sweeney would be propping them up all over the place.

If the Central Intelligence Agency was the Cock Smell-n-Kiss Agency

Agent Jim Sweeney would fearlessly interrogate any subject, and never leak even a single drop of "information."

If apprehending European criminals was apprehending European cocks

Jim Sweeney would BE Interpol.

If champagne was cock pain

Tha Jizzle Swee-nizzle would be up in tha V-I-Pizzle,
poppin' maad bottles--layin' "hurtinz" on maad
male models.

If Pinot Noir was Penis Noir

Jim Sweeney's entire mouth would be permanently stained a lovely shade of gray.

If Sauvignon Blanc was Sauvignon Cock

Jim Sweeney would take whole bottles straight down his gullet.

If 32,000 feet was 32,000 cocks

Jim Sweeney would be president of the Six Mile-High Club.

If my humps were my cocks

Jim Sweeney would know exactly what to do with all that junk, all that junk in in his trunk.

And if Emergency Medical Treatment was Emergency Genital Treatment

Jim Sweeney would surely be first on the scene, every time.

If the Heimlech Maneuver was the Cocklick Maneuver

Jim Sweeney would insist on being certified--and then re-certified and re-certified and re-certified--as an EMT.

If chicken bones were cock bones

Jim Sweeney would rather choke to death than receive the Heimlech Maneuver.

If phenylalanine was phenylcockanine

Jim Sweeney would drink Diet Cock by the case--all that great Cock taste without the calories of regular Cock!

If antioxidants were anticockcidants

Jim Sweeney would be one sickly motherfucker.
(contributed by Durty Aunt Kris)

If cocktails were actually made with cock

Jim Sweeney would be double-fisting some dirty, dirty MANtinis.

If chickpeas were cockpeas

Jim Sweeney would be making hummmmphmmphmmm.

If "Stop, Drop, and Roll" was "Stop, Drop, and Suck Cock"

Jim Sweeney would be the fucking fire marshall.

Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

A: Jim Sweeney has to chew before he swallows.

If fish feces were fish cocks

Jim Sweeney would never want to be rescued.

If chromosomes were homosomes

Jim Sweeney would go for the trifecta: XXX.

If the double-helix was the double-cocklix

Jim Sweeney would be forging all kinds of protein bonds.

If carabiners were cockabiners

Jim Sweeney would be all harnessed up.

If Alcoholics Anonymous was Cockaholics Anonymous and Jim Sweeney decided to get on the wagon

His nightly mantra would be: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the cocks I cannot love, the courage to love the cocks that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

If 3-Way Chili was 3-Way Cock

Jim Sweeney would be slathered with meat, beans and cheese.

If Stanley Kubrick was Stanley Cockbrick

Jim Sweeney would've been the star of Dr. Strangelove.

If fancy cars were fancy cocks

Jim Sweeney would be one industrious valet attendant.

If Arabic was Aradick

Jim Sweeney would speak with a THICK accent.

If golf caddies were cock caddies

Jim Sweeney would spit-shine all the woods and irons.

If bright-eyed and bushy-tailed were cock-eyed and cocky-tailed

Jim Sweeney would be the early bird getting his worm.
(creative input by Uncle Bill)

If the Sun was a giant ball of cock gas

Jim Sweeney would be a total fucking eclipse.