If computers were cumputers

Jim Sweeney would have many, many "laptops."

If the Octagon were the Cocktagon

Two men would "enter," but Jim Sweeney would definitely never leave.
(Contributed by The Uncle Ton)

If Van Morrison were into dudes

Jim Sweeney would definitely be his brown-eye girl.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If football kickers were manball lickers

Jim Sweeney would cheer wildly for a good Packer to split his uprights.

If handkerchiefs were mankerchiefs

Jim Sweeney's pockets would be full of snotty rags.

If lower back tattoos were lower cock tattoos

Jim Sweeney would always be ready to check out your "fresh ink."
(WARNING: the linked picture is NOT for the faint of heart!!)

If Corona were Cockrona

Jim Sweeney would be at a whole different latitude alright...

If rum were bum

Jim Sweeney would obviously prefer Mount Gay. (Although he clearly wouldn't mind having a lil' Captain Organ in him!)

If the Twin Towers had been the Twin Cocks

Jim Sweeney would still be crying.
(Contributed by Uncle B-ill)

As if Jim Sweeney would ever wear a condom...

If British Petroleum were British Petroleum jelly

Jim Sweeney would have NO problem paying $2.91 per gallon for a full service fill up.

Jim Sweeney's "peep" hole

(Field work and technical ASSistance by Uncle Destroyer)

If electrical outlets were cock outlets

Jim Sweeney would be a walking powerstrip.

If hydroelectric power were hydrocock power

Jim Sweeney would be The Tennessee Valley Authority.

If high-tension power lines were high-tension cock lines

Jim Sweeney would be responsible for rolling "blackouts" across the midwest.

Even if Ohms were "Ohmmmmffmm"s

The way to Jim Sweeney's mouth would always be the path of least resistance.

Some people use ice cubes to keep their drinks cold.

Jim Sweeney just uses little frozen cocks.

If Ozzy Osborne were Ozzy Cockborne

Jim Sweeney would earn the right to play Ozzy's songs with his cover band, Black Cockbath, by biting the heads off of unsuspecting "doves."

If karaoke were cockaoke

Jim Sweeney would always sing Hit Me with Your Best Shot--Fire awaaaaaaaay!