If public defenders were pubic defenders

Jim Sweeney would do EVERYTHING pro bono.

If Halloween were Swalloween

Jim Sweeney would surely be a'gobblin.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If Trick-or-Treat were Dick-or-Treat

Jim Sweeney would gleefully hop from door to door, accepting all kinds of "candy" from strangers.
(Contributed by Aunty Marin)

If financial favors were sexual favors

Jim Sweeney would be a living refutation of the law of diminishing "returns."

If economic theories were cockonomic theories

Jim Sweeney would be a big fan of the "free-market" e-cock-a-me.

If the Field of Dreams were a Field of Cocks

Like Kevin Costner, Jim Sweeney would definitely "build" it to ensure that they would "come."

If Kevin Costner were Kevin Cockner

Jim Sweeney's field of dreams would be a nice clearing in the middle of his backyard cock plantation. And it would definitely have bleachers for the "fans."

If scratch-off lottery tickets were scratch-off cocks

Jim Sweeney would squander his weekly paycheck chasing the big "jackpot."

If A Tribe Called Quest were A Tribe Called Cock

Jim "Mushroom-Tip" Sweeney would know exactly what the scenario was.

If Kurt Cobain were Kurt Cockbaine

Jim Sweeney would've blown his fucking head off.

If Octoberfest were Cocktoberfest

Jim Sweeney would gladly lede your hosen.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)