If antibiotics were cocks

Jim Sweeney would've taken way too many to be immune to anything. 

This just in:

Jim Sweeney to fill hole in Packer offense. 

If Chumbawumba were Cumbawumba

Jim Sweeney would get knocked down, but he'd be up the entire time.

(Concept by Uncle Brenty)

If Captain Jean Luc Picard were Captain Jean Luc Dickhard

Jim Sweeney would go VERY boldly where no ostensibly straight man has gone before. Like, disturbingly boldly. 

If Mick Jagger had been Dick Jagger

He never would've written the song "Satisfaction." Because of Jim Sweeney. 

If the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants were the Brotherhood of the Traveling Cocks

Well, we all know exactly where they'd be "headed." 

If Batman were Scatman

Master Sweeney would be one Dark Knight, alright! 

If multi-touch interface were multi-cocks inyourface

I don't know. Jim Sweeney would probably eat a fucking iPhone. 

If A Few Good Men were A Few Gay Men

Private Jim Sweeney would certainly be able to handle the "truth," (about Tom Cruise's sexuality). 

Contributed by Uncle Brenty

If piña coladas were penis coladas

Jim Sweeney would constantly be getting caught in the "rain."

On cold winter nights

Giuseppi Sweeney loves feeling stuffed from MANicotti.

(contributed by Durty Aunt Kris) 

If public defenders were pubic defenders

Jim Sweeney would do EVERYTHING pro bono.

If Halloween were Swalloween

Jim Sweeney would surely be a'gobblin.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If Trick-or-Treat were Dick-or-Treat

Jim Sweeney would gleefully hop from door to door, accepting all kinds of "candy" from strangers.
(Contributed by Aunty Marin)

If financial favors were sexual favors

Jim Sweeney would be a living refutation of the law of diminishing "returns."

If economic theories were cockonomic theories

Jim Sweeney would be a big fan of the "free-market" e-cock-a-me.

If the Field of Dreams were a Field of Cocks

Like Kevin Costner, Jim Sweeney would definitely "build" it to ensure that they would "come."

If Kevin Costner were Kevin Cockner

Jim Sweeney's field of dreams would be a nice clearing in the middle of his backyard cock plantation. And it would definitely have bleachers for the "fans."

If scratch-off lottery tickets were scratch-off cocks

Jim Sweeney would squander his weekly paycheck chasing the big "jackpot."

If A Tribe Called Quest were A Tribe Called Cock

Jim "Mushroom-Tip" Sweeney would know exactly what the scenario was.