If "more cowbell" was "more cockbell"

Jim Sweeney would be the Bruce Dickinson. (And he definitely would not fear the reaper.)
(Conceptual input by Durty Aunt Kris)

If state nicknames were cock nicknames

Jim Sweeney would totally be the governor of Missouri--the "Show-Me" State.
(creative input by Uncle Brenty and Durty Aunt Kris)

If message boards were cock boards

Jim Sweeney would be the butt of every flame war.
(contributed by Durty Aunt Kris)

If 4-wheel drive was 4-cock drive

Jim Sweeney would love giving "Hummers."
(creative input by Uncle Bill)

If grade school matriculation was cock

Appointing Jim Sweeney Secretary of Education would ensure that no child is ever left behind.

If the coup de grace was the cock de grace

It would be performed with a large "sword," plunged between Jim Sweeney's shoulder blades.
(creative support by Uncle Phil)

If near-sightedness was cock-sightedness

myopia would be utopia for Jim Sweeney.