If 3-Way Chili was 3-Way Cock

Jim Sweeney would be slathered with meat, beans and cheese.

If Stanley Kubrick was Stanley Cockbrick

Jim Sweeney would've been the star of Dr. Strangelove.

If fancy cars were fancy cocks

Jim Sweeney would be one industrious valet attendant.

If Arabic was Aradick

Jim Sweeney would speak with a THICK accent.

If golf caddies were cock caddies

Jim Sweeney would spit-shine all the woods and irons.

If bright-eyed and bushy-tailed were cock-eyed and cocky-tailed

Jim Sweeney would be the early bird getting his worm.
(creative input by Uncle Bill)

If the Sun was a giant ball of cock gas

Jim Sweeney would be a total fucking eclipse.