If "Stop, Drop, and Roll" was "Stop, Drop, and Suck Cock"

Jim Sweeney would be the fucking fire marshall.

Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

A: Jim Sweeney has to chew before he swallows.

If fish feces were fish cocks

Jim Sweeney would never want to be rescued.

If chromosomes were homosomes

Jim Sweeney would go for the trifecta: XXX.

If the double-helix was the double-cocklix

Jim Sweeney would be forging all kinds of protein bonds.

If carabiners were cockabiners

Jim Sweeney would be all harnessed up.

If Alcoholics Anonymous was Cockaholics Anonymous and Jim Sweeney decided to get on the wagon

His nightly mantra would be: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the cocks I cannot love, the courage to love the cocks that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."