If kung fu kicks to the head were cocks to the head

Jim Sweeney would be Jackie Chan's arch-nemesis.
(creative input by Jim Sweeney himself!)

If microphones were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be Freddie Mercury.
(conceptual input provided by Uncle Jacob)

If Tootsie Roll Pops were cocks

Jim Sweeney would know exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center.
(contributed by Aunt Michelle)

If crosses were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be director of The Cross Foundation.
OR
He would be the man in this photograph, cultivating his son's early faith.

If hot dogs were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be Takeru Kobayashi.
(concept by Uncle Jesse)

If negligence in updating this blog was cock

Jim Sweeney would be me.

If Paul Masson champagne was cock

Jim Sweeney would be drunker than Orson Wells circa 1979.
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)