If hospitality was cockspitality

Jim Sweeney would wait on his guests "hand " and "foot."

If the iPhone was the iCock

Jim Sweeney would wait in line for hours just to play with the "touchscreen."
(Posted from Uncle Jesse's iPhone!)

If scotch was aged inside of big fat cocks

Jim Sweeney would NEVER settle for a single-malt.

If oxidation was cockcidation

Jim Sweeney would be a rusty, rusty boy.

If meditation was cockitation

Jim Sweeney would be chanting "Oommmmmfmfmfmfmmfmmf."

If Slimfast was Cockfast

Jim Sweeney would be on a futile weight loss plan.

If dogs were cocks

To remedy a hangover, first thing in the morning Jim Sweeney would go straight for the hair of the one that "bit" him the night before.