If teen spirit was cock spirit

Jim Sweeney would reek of it.

If Jim Sweeney was an elephant

If cocaine was cockcaine

Jim Sweeney would gladly smuggle your eight-balls.
(contributed by Durty Aunt Kris and Uncle Brenty)

If surfers were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a giant tidal wave, swooping in to gobble them all up.

Kneeprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with Jim Sweeney.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed kneeprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of kneeprints,
other times there were one set of kneeprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or herpes,
I could see only one set of kneeprints.

So I said to Jim Sweeney,
“You promised me Jim,
that if I blew you,
you would go down on me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of kneeprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed your mouth most, you have not been there for me?”

Jim Sweeney replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of kneeprints in the sand,
is when I went down on you.”
-Cocknonymous

If the City of Lights was the City of Cocks

Jim Sweeney would yearn to live in Gay Paree!

If Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory was Willy Wonka's Cockolate Factory

Jim Sweeney would be lapping it up like Augustus Gloop.
(creative input by Durty Aunt Kris)

If melanin was cockanin

black would be the color of Jim Sweeney's true love's (pubic) hair.

If the color green was the color of cocks

Jim Sweeney would be 200% Irish.

Even if Taco Bell was Cocko Bell

Jim Sweeney would still have trouble thinking outside the bun.
(creative input by Uncle Brenty)

If the National Collegiate Athletic Association was the National Cock Adorers Association

Jim Sweeney would always choke in the post-season tournament.

If the vernal equinox was the vernal cockquinox

Jim Sweeney's celestial longitude would stretch a full 180 degrees.
(creative input by Durty Aunt Kris)

If the Periodic Table of Elements was the Periodick Table of Cocks

Jim Sweeney would be the world's leading expert on chemical taxonomy.

If basketballs were cocks

Jim Sweeney would play smothering defense.

If Irish people were cocks

Jim Sweeney would go to as many bars as possible on St. Patrick's Day...and drink LOTS of "green beer."

If Holy Cross was Holy Cock

Jim Sweeney would have picked them to go all the way...into his mouth.

If bananas were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be the ice cream all up in the middle of a banana split.

If your dead grandmother was a dead cock

Jim Sweeney would surely make a "donation" in her honor.
(contributed by Uncle Bill)

If going up for a layup was going down for a cock

Jim Sweeney would constantly be getting stuffed.

If disc golf was dicks golf

Jim Sweeney would leap to intercept every toss with his mouth.

If Project Runway was Project Cock

Jim Sweeney would always "make it work."

If Costco was Cockco

Jim Sweeney would need a forklift every time he went shopping.

If clockhands were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be turning them all back...toward his FACE!

If Skip-Bo cards were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be Trounces.

If watching NCAA basketball was watching cock

March would be utterly maddening for Jim Sweeney.

If comments were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be terribly excited about the new functionality we've added to this blog.

That's right, folks: in the hopes of making The Daily Cock a more participatory experience, we've enabled comments. Now you can suggest alternate punchlines for the myriad cock scenarios we work so diligently to provide. We do request that comments be limited to enhancement of the specific joke being commented on; as you doubtlessly know, it is far too easy to get carried away with cock jokes, and we'd hate to see anyone blow his or her load all in one day. Joke suggestions and concepts are, however, always welcome, at daily dot cock at yahoo dot com.

If cumulonimbus was cockulonimbus

Jim Sweeney would constantly be on "storm watch."

If "more cowbell" was "more cockbell"

Jim Sweeney would be the Bruce Dickinson. (And he definitely would not fear the reaper.)
(Conceptual input by Durty Aunt Kris)

If state nicknames were cock nicknames

Jim Sweeney would totally be the governor of Missouri--the "Show-Me" State.
(creative input by Uncle Brenty and Durty Aunt Kris)

If message boards were cock boards

Jim Sweeney would be the butt of every flame war.
(contributed by Durty Aunt Kris)

If 4-wheel drive was 4-cock drive

Jim Sweeney would love giving "Hummers."
(creative input by Uncle Bill)

If grade school matriculation was cock

Appointing Jim Sweeney Secretary of Education would ensure that no child is ever left behind.

If the coup de grace was the cock de grace

It would be performed with a large "sword," plunged between Jim Sweeney's shoulder blades.
(creative support by Uncle Phil)

If near-sightedness was cock-sightedness

myopia would be utopia for Jim Sweeney.