If landlords were cocklords

Jim Sweeney would require a hefty security deposit, and insist on daily rent payment.

If Imus in the Morning was I Must Have Cock in the Morning

Jim Sweeney would be one nappy-headed ho.

If the Spirit of Truth was the Spirit of Cock

Jim Sweeney would be cumming in the name of Jesus, by the power of the Holy Spirit, BIOTCH!

If War and Peace had been titled Cock and Balls

It would've been a deliciously quick read for Jim Sweeney.
(Contributed by Uncle Bill)

If Sam Malone's legendary bar, Cheers, had been named Cocks

Everybody there would definitely know Jim Sweeney's name. (And Jim would always be glad you caaaame.)

If patios were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be sitting on them all day, every day, rain or shine.

If ruby slippers were ruby cocks

Jim Sweeney wouldn't even give a shit about Kansas anymore.

If credit reports were cock reports

Jim Sweeney's would be a perfect 850.

If calculus was cockulus

Jim Sweeney would be caught white 'n' nerdy.

If bags of weed were bags of cock

Jim Sweeney would be caught ridin' dirty.

If smoking weed was smoking cock

Jim Sweeney would celebrate 4/20 24/7.

If nephews were cocks

Jim Sweeney would radiate avuncularity.

If D.A.R.E. was C.O.C.K.

Jim Sweeney would have serious trouble just saying "No."
(contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If McDonald's was CockDonald's

Jim Sweeney would be heard shreiking, "Supersize me, goddamnit!"

If the 1976 New York Marathon had been a Cockathon

Jim Sweeney would still be chuggin' along at a steady pace.

If intoxication was incocksitation

Jim Sweeney would be fucking WAY-STED!

If nocturnal predators were cockturnal predators

Jim Sweeney would be this guy.

If baby birds ate cocks instead of worms

Jim Sweeney would masticate all of their food, all of the time.

What's the difference between Jim Sweeney and Jenna Jameson?

Only one of them makes money loving cocks.

If Jim Sweeney was the star of Flavor Flav's hit reality show

Not much would change. The host would still wear absurdly eccentric clothing (including a giant novelty item slung around his neck at all times), and he would have a glistening mouth full of "bling."

If cognitive was cocknitive

Jim Sweeney would blow your fucking mind.
(contributed by Durty Aunt Kris & Uncle Brenty)

If brain surgery was cock surgery

For Jim Sweeney, it would be a piece of cake. That he would eat.

If dying for our sins was dying for our cocks

Jim Sweeney would've been none other than Jesus Christ. (But he definitely would've suffered dozens more stigmata.)

If chocolate bunnies were chocolate cocks

Jim Sweeney would've been solely responsible for how they got that way.

If the Passion of the Christ was the Passion of the Cock

Jim Sweeney would beat it to a bloody pulp.
OR
Jim Sweeney would put the "ASS" in "passion."

If Peeps were Pee-pees

Jim Sweeney's body would be covered in gobs of sticky white mallow.

If our sins were our cocks

Jim Sweeney would be dying for them, everyday.

If marshmallow baby chicks were marshmallow baby dicks

Jim Sweeney would gorge himself on Peeps.

If the Shroud of Turin was the Cock of Turin

It would be stained with the image of Jim Sweeney's face, in blood.

If painting eggs was painting cocks

Jim Sweeney would just pour all different colors of paint in his mouth and gargle furiously.

If the resurrection was a giant erection

Jim Sweeney would find that fasting for those forty days of Lent was totally worth it.

If the Easter Bunny was the Cock Bunny

All of his eggs would be hidden in Jim Sweeney's mouth.

A special Easter treat for Jim Sweeney

Well, kiddies, it looks like the Easter Bunny was feeling extra generous this year, because our basket is just overflowing with jokes today. We could just share one with you, as is the custom, but really, why limit ourselves? We'd hate for you (and for Jim Sweeney) to feel cheated. So check back frequently, as we'll be posting new jokes all day long. And remember, keep your eggs hidden (from Jim Sweeney, anyway).

If the Hundred Acre Wood was a tall thick-trunked cock

Sweeney-the-Pooh would delight ever so much in getting his head stuck in big jars of "hunny."

If US attorneys were US cocktorneys

Jim Sweeney would only dismiss them for performance-related reasons.

Deep Reflections with Jim Sweeney

April showers might bring May flowers,
But all I really want is golden showers
And cock for hours.

If español was cockspañol

Jim Sweeney would definitely have the Spanish lisp.

If baby food was baby cocks

Jim Sweeney's fridge would be stacked full of tiny little jars.

If Creedence Clearwater Revival was Creedence Cockwater Revival

Jim Sweeney would be doo doo doo, lookin' out his backdoor.

If washer capacity was cock capacity

Jim Sweeney's dial would be permanently set to "Large Load."