If broad stripes were broad cocks

They'd be gallantly streaming, alright...right into Jim Sweeney's mouth.

If ramparts were cockparts

Jim Sweeney would totally be watching o'er them.

If knee-jerk patriotism was cock-jerk patriotism

These colors would definitely run. All over Jim Sweeney's face.

If the Star-Spangled Banner was the Cock-Spangled Banner

Jim Sweeney would be covered in red, white & blew.

If Independence Day was Cock Dependence Day

Jim Sweeney would've been Born FOR the Fourth of July.

If lists were cocks

Jim Sweeney would have a WHOLE lot "to do."
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If tea bags were, well, tea bags

Jim Sweeney would steep his for HOURS.