If kung fu kicks to the head were cocks to the head

Jim Sweeney would be Jackie Chan's arch-nemesis.
(creative input by Jim Sweeney himself!)

If microphones were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be Freddie Mercury.
(conceptual input provided by Uncle Jacob)

If Tootsie Roll Pops were cocks

Jim Sweeney would know exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center.
(contributed by Aunt Michelle)

If crosses were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be director of The Cross Foundation.
OR
He would be the man in this photograph, cultivating his son's early faith.

If hot dogs were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be Takeru Kobayashi.
(concept by Uncle Jesse)

If negligence in updating this blog was cock

Jim Sweeney would be me.

If Paul Masson champagne was cock

Jim Sweeney would be drunker than Orson Wells circa 1979.
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)

If the State of the Union Address was the State of Jim Sweeney's Love for Cock Address

President Bush's assessment would still be the same: "strong."
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)

If six year-olds were cocks

Jim Sweeney would have about a dozen of them buried in his basement.

If computer geeks were cock geeks

Jim Sweeney would be 1337.

If snow was cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a little kid, rolling around in it and making snow angels. And catching snow flakes on his tongue.

If glue was cocks

Jim Sweeney's mouth would be sealed shut.

If volcanic island chains were cocks

Jim Sweeney would own a small private plane with pontoon landing gear.
(contributed by Jim Sweeney himself!)

If faux klingons were faux cocks

Jim Sweeney would be terribly disillusioned when he started his internship as a congressional page.
What's a faux klingon?
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)

If amputations were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a quadriplegic.

If x = cocks

Jim Sweeney = 500x.

If basketball was played with a big orange cock

Jim Sweeney would be every member of the Harlem Globetrotters.

If the Exxon Valdez was a giant cock

Jim Sweeney would be a baby seal. And covered in oil.
(conceptual input by Uncle Jesse)

If prom punch was spiked with cocks

Jim Sweeney would be the fat girl by the snack table.
(contributed by Aunt Michelle)

If massive troop escalations in Iraq were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be giving a special presidential address every night for the next month.

If the Danger Zone was cocks

Jim Sweeney would be on a highway, riding into it.

Welcome to the Danger Zone

Well, here we are on the outset of what promises to be a grand, emancipatory project. For those of you new to the game, a good place to start is, fittingly, at the "How It All Started" section. My undying gratitude to Uncle Dan and Uncle Jesse for their boundless enthusiasm and creativity, and to JS for his reluctant but generous blessing. Now without further ado...