If hospitality was cockspitality

Jim Sweeney would wait on his guests "hand " and "foot."

If the iPhone was the iCock

Jim Sweeney would wait in line for hours just to play with the "touchscreen."
(Posted from Uncle Jesse's iPhone!)

If scotch was aged inside of big fat cocks

Jim Sweeney would NEVER settle for a single-malt.

If oxidation was cockcidation

Jim Sweeney would be a rusty, rusty boy.

If meditation was cockitation

Jim Sweeney would be chanting "Oommmmmfmfmfmfmmfmmf."

If Slimfast was Cockfast

Jim Sweeney would be on a futile weight loss plan.

If dogs were cocks

To remedy a hangover, first thing in the morning Jim Sweeney would go straight for the hair of the one that "bit" him the night before.

Deep, Deep Reflections with Jim Sweeney

Uncle Jesse: Hey Jim, what do you call a cockerspaniel with no legs?
Jim Sweeney: Breakfast?

Q: What's Jim Sweeney's favorite kind of dog to have sex with?

A: Cockerspaniels, of course!

If Chuck-E-Cheese's was Cock-E-Cheese's

Jim Sweeney would probably work there, but he would constantly get reprimanded for diving head-first into the "ball pit."
(Creative input by Uncle Ev-dawg and Durty Aunt Kris.)

If pots of gold were pots of cocks

Jim Sweeney would be one giddy lil' leprechaun.

If the chopping block was the chopping cock

Instead of lying his neck on it, Jim Sweeney would have the entire thing down his throat.

If airports were cockports

Jim Sweeney would INSIST on layovers.

If sea vessles were cock blood vessels

Jim Sweeney would be a one man Bermuda Triangle.

If compass needles were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be magnetic North (no matter where he went).

If triceratops had been tricockatops

Jim Sweeney would travel eons back in time and shapeshift into Tyrannosaurus Rex, undisputed King of the "Lizards."

If raptors were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be totally appalled that scientists are just now getting around to discovering the gigantic variety.

If KISS was COCK

At every concert, Jim Sweeney would trample over other fans to get up to the front row, just so he could feast his eyes on Gene Simmons' lengthy "tongue."

If Guns 'n' Roses were Cocks 'n' Roses

Jim Sweeney would have a RAPACIOUS appetite for "destruction."

If Oscar Mayer was Cockscar Mayer

Jim Sweeney would certainly have one helluva way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a.

If Van Halen was Cock Halen

Jim Sweeney would have the feel for the wheel. And he would DEFINITELY keep the moving parts clean.

If Bon Jovi was Cock Jovi

Jim Sweeney would've been thanked gratuitously in the liner notes of Slippery When Wet.

If Ocean's 13 was Ocean's 13"

Jim Sweeney would be ALL OVER the next big job.

If sour cream was sour cock

Jim Sweeney would have hearty dollops of it all over himself.

If blood sausages were bloody cocks

Jim Sweeney would LOVE Spanish cuisine.

If 2500 dollar-a-plate meals were 2500 cock-a-plate meals

Jim Sweeney would be a fervent supporter of every political party.

If Breathalyzers were Cockalyzers

Jim Sweeney would definitely never refuse to blow after a long night of drinking.
(contributed by Uncle Bill)

Deep, Deep Reflections with Jim Sweeney

Uncle Jesse: Hey Jim, what's your attitude toward the current level of cock reserves?
Jim Sweeney: COCK RESERVES!? Where?
UJ: Just answer the damn question.
JS: Ok. I'd have to say: "Waste not; Want A LOT!"

If the magician's beautiful assistant was the magician's beautiful cock

Sweeney the Weenie Magenie would emerge from a magic lamp and gnaw that shit right in half.

If trickery was dickery

Jim Sweeney would have all kinds of "tricks" up his sleeve. (And stuffed in every orifice of his body, of course.)