If precious gemstones were precious cocks

For Jim Sweeney, diamonds would truly be forever.

If hip openers were lip openers

Jim Sweeney would be crazy into yoga.

If sanity was heterosexuality

Jim Sweeney would be still crazy, after all these years.

Jim Sweeney's favorite Herbie MANN album

If Glade Plug-ins were Butt Plug-ins

Jim Sweeney would be begging for someone to plug it in, plug it in!

If John Hancock was John Handcock

Jim Sweeney would...yeah...handcock.

If the Constitutional Convention had been the Cockstitutional Convention

Jim Sweeney would've insisted on way more than ten "amendments."

If coonskin caps were cockskin caps

Jim Sweeney would be Davy Fucking Cock-It.

If hypodermic needles were hypodermic cocks

Jim Sweeney would love a good prick.

If anesthesia was administered with hypodermic cocks

Jim Sweeney would close his eyes and count upwards from 10''.

If coalmining was cockmining

Jim Sweeney would have a terminal case of Black Lung...but he wouldn't let that stop him from going down the shaft.

If coal was cock

Jim Sweeney would be the canary deep in the mine. And he wouldn't stop "singing" when he ran out of air.

If prostitution was cockstitution

Jim Sweeney would be a lady of the evening, and the late evening, and the early morning, and the morning, and the late morning, and the early afternoon, and the afternoon, and the late afternoon, and the early evening...

If Bonaroo was Cockaroo

Jim Sweeney would totally be the "headliner."

If Lollapalooza was Cockapalooza

Jim Sweeney would tour the country, "performing" on multiple stages all day long.

If Lord of the Flies was Lord of the Cocks

Jim Sweeney would totally be "Piggy."

If social ostracization was social cockstracization

Jim Sweeney would be Lord of the Flies.

Even though the cochlea is just a part of your ear

Jim would still love giving "Wet Sweeneys"--cochlea just sounds so good!
(Creative input by Uncle Destroyer)

If rice patties were cock patties

Jim Sweeney would flood his entire backyard.
(Contributed by Jim Sweeney himself!)

If the New York Stock Exchange was the New York Cock Exchange

Jim Sweeney would spend ALL DAY on the floor, on all fours, screaming at the top of his lungs.

If upright bass was upright cock

Jim Sweeney would be playing HIGHLY experimental jazz.

If condensation was cockdensation

Jim Sweeney would be covered in "moisture."

If cacti were cockti

Jim Sweeney would totally put the "SUC" in "succulent."

If bombs bursting in air were balls bursting on ass

Jim Sweeney would give proof every night that our fag was still there.

If broad stripes were broad cocks

They'd be gallantly streaming, alright...right into Jim Sweeney's mouth.

If ramparts were cockparts

Jim Sweeney would totally be watching o'er them.

If knee-jerk patriotism was cock-jerk patriotism

These colors would definitely run. All over Jim Sweeney's face.

If the Star-Spangled Banner was the Cock-Spangled Banner

Jim Sweeney would be covered in red, white & blew.

If Independence Day was Cock Dependence Day

Jim Sweeney would've been Born FOR the Fourth of July.

If lists were cocks

Jim Sweeney would have a WHOLE lot "to do."
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If tea bags were, well, tea bags

Jim Sweeney would steep his for HOURS.