If the Wizard of Oz was the Wizard of Cock

Jim Sweeney would pay LOTS of attention to the man behind the curtain.

If STDs were cocks

Jim Sweeney would have gonoherpesyphillaids.

If Oscars were cocks

Jim Sweeney would need no time at all to prepare his acceptance "speech."

If George Bush was to habeas corpus as Jim Sweeney is to habeas cockus

None of the detainees would be languishing without due attention.
(contributed by Uncle Zac)

Deep Reflections with Jim Sweeney

If too many cooks spoil the soup,
then too many cocks...

There's no such thing as...
...

Fuck it, who wants some soup?

How do you calculate the circumference of Jim Sweeney's wide-open mouth?

C = 2 π r
π = pie
r = cock

Circumference of
Jim Sweeney's
wide-open mouth = 2 pie cock

If caulk was cock

Jim Sweeney would be that big crack alongside the bathtub, deperately in need of filling.

If Arabian thieves were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be Ali-Baba...but he would roll with WAY more than 40 of 'em.

If bloodtypes were cocktypes

Jim Sweeney's would be AB+, the universal receiver.

Jim Sweeney waxes Shakespearean:

Is this a cock which I see before me,
The handle toward my hand? Cum, let me clutch thee.
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
Art thou not, throbbing vision, sensible
To feeling as to sight? or art thou but
A cock of the mind, a false creation,
Proceeding from the heat-oppress'd brain?
I see thee yet, in form as palpable
As this which now I whip out.
Thou marshall'st me the way that I was going;
And such an instrument I was to use.
Mine cock and balls are made the fools o' the other senses,
Or else worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy face and dudgeon gouts of blood,
Which was not so before. There's no such thing:
It is the bloody cock-loving business which informs
Thus to mine eyes.

-MacCockBeth, Act II Scene I

If documentaries on VH1 were "cockumentaries"

Jim Sweeney would be behind ALL the music!

Q: What's the shortest distance between two cocks? (HINT: It sure ain't straight!)

A: Jim Sweeney. Obviously.
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)

Q: What is Jim Sweeney's favorite place to go for a burrito?

A: Cockpotle.
(creative input by Uncle Jesse)

If the phrase "sock it to me" was "cock it to me"

Jim Sweeney would be impersonating Dick Nixon on Laugh-in in 1967.
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)

Want to get Jim Sweeney something for Valentine's Day?

Get him a cock-shaped box of chocolates.
(creative input by Uncle Jesse)

If roses were cocks

Jim Sweeney would buy himself two dozen "long-stemmed."
(creative input by Uncle Jesse)

If $2600 pants were cocks

COME ON!
(creative support by Uncle Jesse)

If supporting our troops was supporting our cocks

Jim Sweeney would have at least 80 of those ribbon magnets on his car.

If every man in the world was named Bruce Heffernan

Jim Sweeney would be "all these homosexuals."

If sheep were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a sheep dog.

Jim Sweeney counts cocks instead of sheep when he's trying to fall asleep at night.

(creative input by Aunt Michelle)

If clubs were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a baby seal.

Jim Sweeney chews cock-flavored Bubble Yum.

If the salt waters of Rhode Island were densely populated with cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a goosefish (monkfish).
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)

If footballs were cocks

Jim Sweeney would never fumble.
OR
He would be every wide receiver on both the Bears and the Colts.

If bowling pins were cocks

Jim Sweeney would just slide down the lane with his mouth open instead of rolling a bowling ball.

If Jim Sweeney was Ozzy Osbourne

He would bite the head off a cock during every live performance...and drink the "blood."

If convicted felons were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be doling out cruel and unusual punishment.