If public defenders were pubic defenders

Jim Sweeney would do EVERYTHING pro bono.

If Halloween were Swalloween

Jim Sweeney would surely be a'gobblin.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If Trick-or-Treat were Dick-or-Treat

Jim Sweeney would gleefully hop from door to door, accepting all kinds of "candy" from strangers.
(Contributed by Aunty Marin)

If financial favors were sexual favors

Jim Sweeney would be a living refutation of the law of diminishing "returns."

If economic theories were cockonomic theories

Jim Sweeney would be a big fan of the "free-market" e-cock-a-me.

If the Field of Dreams were a Field of Cocks

Like Kevin Costner, Jim Sweeney would definitely "build" it to ensure that they would "come."

If Kevin Costner were Kevin Cockner

Jim Sweeney's field of dreams would be a nice clearing in the middle of his backyard cock plantation. And it would definitely have bleachers for the "fans."

If scratch-off lottery tickets were scratch-off cocks

Jim Sweeney would squander his weekly paycheck chasing the big "jackpot."

If A Tribe Called Quest were A Tribe Called Cock

Jim "Mushroom-Tip" Sweeney would know exactly what the scenario was.

If Kurt Cobain were Kurt Cockbaine

Jim Sweeney would've blown his fucking head off.

If Octoberfest were Cocktoberfest

Jim Sweeney would gladly lede your hosen.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If computers were cumputers

Jim Sweeney would have many, many "laptops."

If the Octagon were the Cocktagon

Two men would "enter," but Jim Sweeney would definitely never leave.
(Contributed by The Uncle Ton)

If Van Morrison were into dudes

Jim Sweeney would definitely be his brown-eye girl.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If football kickers were manball lickers

Jim Sweeney would cheer wildly for a good Packer to split his uprights.

If handkerchiefs were mankerchiefs

Jim Sweeney's pockets would be full of snotty rags.

If lower back tattoos were lower cock tattoos

Jim Sweeney would always be ready to check out your "fresh ink."
(WARNING: the linked picture is NOT for the faint of heart!!)

If Corona were Cockrona

Jim Sweeney would be at a whole different latitude alright...

If rum were bum

Jim Sweeney would obviously prefer Mount Gay. (Although he clearly wouldn't mind having a lil' Captain Organ in him!)

If the Twin Towers had been the Twin Cocks

Jim Sweeney would still be crying.
(Contributed by Uncle B-ill)

As if Jim Sweeney would ever wear a condom...

If British Petroleum were British Petroleum jelly

Jim Sweeney would have NO problem paying $2.91 per gallon for a full service fill up.

Jim Sweeney's "peep" hole

(Field work and technical ASSistance by Uncle Destroyer)

If electrical outlets were cock outlets

Jim Sweeney would be a walking powerstrip.

If hydroelectric power were hydrocock power

Jim Sweeney would be The Tennessee Valley Authority.

If high-tension power lines were high-tension cock lines

Jim Sweeney would be responsible for rolling "blackouts" across the midwest.

Even if Ohms were "Ohmmmmffmm"s

The way to Jim Sweeney's mouth would always be the path of least resistance.

Some people use ice cubes to keep their drinks cold.

Jim Sweeney just uses little frozen cocks.

If Ozzy Osborne were Ozzy Cockborne

Jim Sweeney would earn the right to play Ozzy's songs with his cover band, Black Cockbath, by biting the heads off of unsuspecting "doves."

If karaoke were cockaoke

Jim Sweeney would always sing Hit Me with Your Best Shot--Fire awaaaaaaaay!

If la cosa nostra were la cocka nostra

Guiseppe Sweeney would be ALL OVER this "thing" of ours.

If burgers were cocks

Jim Sweeney would totally be at the mercy of the King.

If buckeyes were cockeyes

Jim Sweeney would put the "NUT BUTT" in the peanut butter filling.

Q: Where will Jim Sweeney be in about 40 years?

A:

(Creative input by Durty Aunt Kris)

If honeybees were cockbees

Jim Sweeney would be an expert of the "waggle dance."

If leather bound books were leather bound cocks

Professor Sweeney would spend weeks holed-up in his "study."

If pumping iron were pumping cocks

Jim Sweeney would be fucking stacked!

If gang colors were cock colors

Jim Sweeney would always get his ass kicked, now matter what color he "wore."

If drive-by shootings were drive-by bukakke

Tha Jizzle Sweenizzle would get gunned down like every day.

If gobstoppers were man balls

Jim Sweeney would always go for the Jawbreakers.

If Sweeney were Weenie

Jim would collapse into himself...over and over again.

If Sun Protection Factor were Cock Protection Factor

Jim Sweeney would be "screening" beach goers left and right.

If sunscreen were cockscreen

Jim Sweeney would wear SPF -500.

If trumpets were cocks

Jim Sweeney would blow horns like Dizzy Gillespie.

If tropical storms were cockipal storms

Jim Sweeney would refuse to "board-up" his "house."

If cookouts were cockouts

Jim Sweeney would definitely bring all of the buns.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If going incognito were going incocknito

Special Agent Sweeney would've blown his cover long ago.
(Contributed by Uncle B-ill)

If the Black Crows were the Black Cocks

You could consider Jim Sweeney's money-maker shaken.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were Teenage Mutant Ninja Cocks

Master Sweeney would be a sewer rat, training them to become strong and fearsome.

If Caucasian were Cockasian

Jim Sweeney would be an even pastier shade of white.

If Cockney accents were, well, Cockney accents

Jim Sweeney's pattern of speech would be totally unintelligible.

If Orthodox were Orthococks

Jim Sweeney would definitely be Greek.

If keeping kosher was keeping cocksure

Jim Sweenburgerstein would be fucking ULTRA-orthodox.

If the Diabeetus was the Cockabeetus

Jim Sweeney would be sicker than Wilford Brimley.

If A Clockwork Orange were A Cockwork Orange

Jimbo Sweeney would always be up for a bit of the old "ultraviolence."

Q: If a cock falls in the forest, does Jim Sweeney make a sound?

A: Yeah, "mmmmfmmmfmfmmmmmmfffmmmmmmm."

If country clubs were cock clubs

Jim Sweeney's would not be very exclusive at all.

If architecture were cockitecture

Jim Sweeney's entire structure would be "load-bearing."
(Conceptual inspiration by Uncle Destroyer)

If fossil fuels were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a one-man energy crisis.

If Jim Sweeney was a Transformer

He would roll around town flaunting his amazing ability to morph from a big gay truck into a big gay robot.

If diamonds were cocks

Jim Sweeney's grill would be all fucking "iced-out."

If precious gemstones were precious cocks

For Jim Sweeney, diamonds would truly be forever.

If hip openers were lip openers

Jim Sweeney would be crazy into yoga.

If sanity was heterosexuality

Jim Sweeney would be still crazy, after all these years.

Jim Sweeney's favorite Herbie MANN album

If Glade Plug-ins were Butt Plug-ins

Jim Sweeney would be begging for someone to plug it in, plug it in!

If John Hancock was John Handcock

Jim Sweeney would...yeah...handcock.

If the Constitutional Convention had been the Cockstitutional Convention

Jim Sweeney would've insisted on way more than ten "amendments."

If coonskin caps were cockskin caps

Jim Sweeney would be Davy Fucking Cock-It.

If hypodermic needles were hypodermic cocks

Jim Sweeney would love a good prick.

If anesthesia was administered with hypodermic cocks

Jim Sweeney would close his eyes and count upwards from 10''.

If coalmining was cockmining

Jim Sweeney would have a terminal case of Black Lung...but he wouldn't let that stop him from going down the shaft.

If coal was cock

Jim Sweeney would be the canary deep in the mine. And he wouldn't stop "singing" when he ran out of air.

If prostitution was cockstitution

Jim Sweeney would be a lady of the evening, and the late evening, and the early morning, and the morning, and the late morning, and the early afternoon, and the afternoon, and the late afternoon, and the early evening...

If Bonaroo was Cockaroo

Jim Sweeney would totally be the "headliner."

If Lollapalooza was Cockapalooza

Jim Sweeney would tour the country, "performing" on multiple stages all day long.

If Lord of the Flies was Lord of the Cocks

Jim Sweeney would totally be "Piggy."

If social ostracization was social cockstracization

Jim Sweeney would be Lord of the Flies.

Even though the cochlea is just a part of your ear

Jim would still love giving "Wet Sweeneys"--cochlea just sounds so good!
(Creative input by Uncle Destroyer)

If rice patties were cock patties

Jim Sweeney would flood his entire backyard.
(Contributed by Jim Sweeney himself!)

If the New York Stock Exchange was the New York Cock Exchange

Jim Sweeney would spend ALL DAY on the floor, on all fours, screaming at the top of his lungs.

If upright bass was upright cock

Jim Sweeney would be playing HIGHLY experimental jazz.

If condensation was cockdensation

Jim Sweeney would be covered in "moisture."

If cacti were cockti

Jim Sweeney would totally put the "SUC" in "succulent."

If bombs bursting in air were balls bursting on ass

Jim Sweeney would give proof every night that our fag was still there.

If broad stripes were broad cocks

They'd be gallantly streaming, alright...right into Jim Sweeney's mouth.

If ramparts were cockparts

Jim Sweeney would totally be watching o'er them.

If knee-jerk patriotism was cock-jerk patriotism

These colors would definitely run. All over Jim Sweeney's face.

If the Star-Spangled Banner was the Cock-Spangled Banner

Jim Sweeney would be covered in red, white & blew.

If Independence Day was Cock Dependence Day

Jim Sweeney would've been Born FOR the Fourth of July.

If lists were cocks

Jim Sweeney would have a WHOLE lot "to do."
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If tea bags were, well, tea bags

Jim Sweeney would steep his for HOURS.

If hospitality was cockspitality

Jim Sweeney would wait on his guests "hand " and "foot."

If the iPhone was the iCock

Jim Sweeney would wait in line for hours just to play with the "touchscreen."
(Posted from Uncle Jesse's iPhone!)

If scotch was aged inside of big fat cocks

Jim Sweeney would NEVER settle for a single-malt.

If oxidation was cockcidation

Jim Sweeney would be a rusty, rusty boy.

If meditation was cockitation

Jim Sweeney would be chanting "Oommmmmfmfmfmfmmfmmf."

If Slimfast was Cockfast

Jim Sweeney would be on a futile weight loss plan.

If dogs were cocks

To remedy a hangover, first thing in the morning Jim Sweeney would go straight for the hair of the one that "bit" him the night before.

Deep, Deep Reflections with Jim Sweeney

Uncle Jesse: Hey Jim, what do you call a cockerspaniel with no legs?
Jim Sweeney: Breakfast?

Q: What's Jim Sweeney's favorite kind of dog to have sex with?

A: Cockerspaniels, of course!

If Chuck-E-Cheese's was Cock-E-Cheese's

Jim Sweeney would probably work there, but he would constantly get reprimanded for diving head-first into the "ball pit."
(Creative input by Uncle Ev-dawg and Durty Aunt Kris.)

If pots of gold were pots of cocks

Jim Sweeney would be one giddy lil' leprechaun.

If the chopping block was the chopping cock

Instead of lying his neck on it, Jim Sweeney would have the entire thing down his throat.

If airports were cockports

Jim Sweeney would INSIST on layovers.

If sea vessles were cock blood vessels

Jim Sweeney would be a one man Bermuda Triangle.

If compass needles were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be magnetic North (no matter where he went).

If triceratops had been tricockatops

Jim Sweeney would travel eons back in time and shapeshift into Tyrannosaurus Rex, undisputed King of the "Lizards."

If raptors were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be totally appalled that scientists are just now getting around to discovering the gigantic variety.

If KISS was COCK

At every concert, Jim Sweeney would trample over other fans to get up to the front row, just so he could feast his eyes on Gene Simmons' lengthy "tongue."

If Guns 'n' Roses were Cocks 'n' Roses

Jim Sweeney would have a RAPACIOUS appetite for "destruction."

If Oscar Mayer was Cockscar Mayer

Jim Sweeney would certainly have one helluva way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a.

If Van Halen was Cock Halen

Jim Sweeney would have the feel for the wheel. And he would DEFINITELY keep the moving parts clean.

If Bon Jovi was Cock Jovi

Jim Sweeney would've been thanked gratuitously in the liner notes of Slippery When Wet.

If Ocean's 13 was Ocean's 13"

Jim Sweeney would be ALL OVER the next big job.

If sour cream was sour cock

Jim Sweeney would have hearty dollops of it all over himself.

If blood sausages were bloody cocks

Jim Sweeney would LOVE Spanish cuisine.

If 2500 dollar-a-plate meals were 2500 cock-a-plate meals

Jim Sweeney would be a fervent supporter of every political party.

If Breathalyzers were Cockalyzers

Jim Sweeney would definitely never refuse to blow after a long night of drinking.
(contributed by Uncle Bill)

Deep, Deep Reflections with Jim Sweeney

Uncle Jesse: Hey Jim, what's your attitude toward the current level of cock reserves?
Jim Sweeney: COCK RESERVES!? Where?
UJ: Just answer the damn question.
JS: Ok. I'd have to say: "Waste not; Want A LOT!"

If the magician's beautiful assistant was the magician's beautiful cock

Sweeney the Weenie Magenie would emerge from a magic lamp and gnaw that shit right in half.

If trickery was dickery

Jim Sweeney would have all kinds of "tricks" up his sleeve. (And stuffed in every orifice of his body, of course.)

If the magician's magic box were his magic cocks

The Amazing Sweeney would make them all vanish at once, wowing audiences with his dazzling slight-of-mouth tricks.

If the Federal Bureau of Investigation was the Federal Bureau of Cock Ingestion

Agent Jim Sweeney would constantly mistake his fellow agents' unzipping their pants in the men's room as a matter to be dealt with by "Internal Affairs."

If dictators were dicktators

Agent Jim Sweeney would be propping them up all over the place.

If the Central Intelligence Agency was the Cock Smell-n-Kiss Agency

Agent Jim Sweeney would fearlessly interrogate any subject, and never leak even a single drop of "information."

If apprehending European criminals was apprehending European cocks

Jim Sweeney would BE Interpol.

If champagne was cock pain

Tha Jizzle Swee-nizzle would be up in tha V-I-Pizzle,
poppin' maad bottles--layin' "hurtinz" on maad
male models.

If Pinot Noir was Penis Noir

Jim Sweeney's entire mouth would be permanently stained a lovely shade of gray.

If Sauvignon Blanc was Sauvignon Cock

Jim Sweeney would take whole bottles straight down his gullet.

If 32,000 feet was 32,000 cocks

Jim Sweeney would be president of the Six Mile-High Club.

If my humps were my cocks

Jim Sweeney would know exactly what to do with all that junk, all that junk in in his trunk.

And if Emergency Medical Treatment was Emergency Genital Treatment

Jim Sweeney would surely be first on the scene, every time.

If the Heimlech Maneuver was the Cocklick Maneuver

Jim Sweeney would insist on being certified--and then re-certified and re-certified and re-certified--as an EMT.

If chicken bones were cock bones

Jim Sweeney would rather choke to death than receive the Heimlech Maneuver.

If phenylalanine was phenylcockanine

Jim Sweeney would drink Diet Cock by the case--all that great Cock taste without the calories of regular Cock!

If antioxidants were anticockcidants

Jim Sweeney would be one sickly motherfucker.
(contributed by Durty Aunt Kris)

If cocktails were actually made with cock

Jim Sweeney would be double-fisting some dirty, dirty MANtinis.

If chickpeas were cockpeas

Jim Sweeney would be making hummmmphmmphmmm.

If "Stop, Drop, and Roll" was "Stop, Drop, and Suck Cock"

Jim Sweeney would be the fucking fire marshall.

Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

A: Jim Sweeney has to chew before he swallows.

If fish feces were fish cocks

Jim Sweeney would never want to be rescued.

If chromosomes were homosomes

Jim Sweeney would go for the trifecta: XXX.

If the double-helix was the double-cocklix

Jim Sweeney would be forging all kinds of protein bonds.

If carabiners were cockabiners

Jim Sweeney would be all harnessed up.

If Alcoholics Anonymous was Cockaholics Anonymous and Jim Sweeney decided to get on the wagon

His nightly mantra would be: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the cocks I cannot love, the courage to love the cocks that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

If 3-Way Chili was 3-Way Cock

Jim Sweeney would be slathered with meat, beans and cheese.

If Stanley Kubrick was Stanley Cockbrick

Jim Sweeney would've been the star of Dr. Strangelove.

If fancy cars were fancy cocks

Jim Sweeney would be one industrious valet attendant.

If Arabic was Aradick

Jim Sweeney would speak with a THICK accent.

If golf caddies were cock caddies

Jim Sweeney would spit-shine all the woods and irons.

If bright-eyed and bushy-tailed were cock-eyed and cocky-tailed

Jim Sweeney would be the early bird getting his worm.
(creative input by Uncle Bill)

If the Sun was a giant ball of cock gas

Jim Sweeney would be a total fucking eclipse.

If landlords were cocklords

Jim Sweeney would require a hefty security deposit, and insist on daily rent payment.

If Imus in the Morning was I Must Have Cock in the Morning

Jim Sweeney would be one nappy-headed ho.

If the Spirit of Truth was the Spirit of Cock

Jim Sweeney would be cumming in the name of Jesus, by the power of the Holy Spirit, BIOTCH!

If War and Peace had been titled Cock and Balls

It would've been a deliciously quick read for Jim Sweeney.
(Contributed by Uncle Bill)

If Sam Malone's legendary bar, Cheers, had been named Cocks

Everybody there would definitely know Jim Sweeney's name. (And Jim would always be glad you caaaame.)

If patios were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be sitting on them all day, every day, rain or shine.

If ruby slippers were ruby cocks

Jim Sweeney wouldn't even give a shit about Kansas anymore.

If credit reports were cock reports

Jim Sweeney's would be a perfect 850.

If calculus was cockulus

Jim Sweeney would be caught white 'n' nerdy.

If bags of weed were bags of cock

Jim Sweeney would be caught ridin' dirty.

If smoking weed was smoking cock

Jim Sweeney would celebrate 4/20 24/7.

If nephews were cocks

Jim Sweeney would radiate avuncularity.

If D.A.R.E. was C.O.C.K.

Jim Sweeney would have serious trouble just saying "No."
(contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If McDonald's was CockDonald's

Jim Sweeney would be heard shreiking, "Supersize me, goddamnit!"

If the 1976 New York Marathon had been a Cockathon

Jim Sweeney would still be chuggin' along at a steady pace.

If intoxication was incocksitation

Jim Sweeney would be fucking WAY-STED!

If nocturnal predators were cockturnal predators

Jim Sweeney would be this guy.

If baby birds ate cocks instead of worms

Jim Sweeney would masticate all of their food, all of the time.

What's the difference between Jim Sweeney and Jenna Jameson?

Only one of them makes money loving cocks.

If Jim Sweeney was the star of Flavor Flav's hit reality show

Not much would change. The host would still wear absurdly eccentric clothing (including a giant novelty item slung around his neck at all times), and he would have a glistening mouth full of "bling."

If cognitive was cocknitive

Jim Sweeney would blow your fucking mind.
(contributed by Durty Aunt Kris & Uncle Brenty)

If brain surgery was cock surgery

For Jim Sweeney, it would be a piece of cake. That he would eat.

If dying for our sins was dying for our cocks

Jim Sweeney would've been none other than Jesus Christ. (But he definitely would've suffered dozens more stigmata.)

If chocolate bunnies were chocolate cocks

Jim Sweeney would've been solely responsible for how they got that way.

If the Passion of the Christ was the Passion of the Cock

Jim Sweeney would beat it to a bloody pulp.
OR
Jim Sweeney would put the "ASS" in "passion."

If Peeps were Pee-pees

Jim Sweeney's body would be covered in gobs of sticky white mallow.

If our sins were our cocks

Jim Sweeney would be dying for them, everyday.

If marshmallow baby chicks were marshmallow baby dicks

Jim Sweeney would gorge himself on Peeps.

If the Shroud of Turin was the Cock of Turin

It would be stained with the image of Jim Sweeney's face, in blood.

If painting eggs was painting cocks

Jim Sweeney would just pour all different colors of paint in his mouth and gargle furiously.

If the resurrection was a giant erection

Jim Sweeney would find that fasting for those forty days of Lent was totally worth it.

If the Easter Bunny was the Cock Bunny

All of his eggs would be hidden in Jim Sweeney's mouth.

A special Easter treat for Jim Sweeney

Well, kiddies, it looks like the Easter Bunny was feeling extra generous this year, because our basket is just overflowing with jokes today. We could just share one with you, as is the custom, but really, why limit ourselves? We'd hate for you (and for Jim Sweeney) to feel cheated. So check back frequently, as we'll be posting new jokes all day long. And remember, keep your eggs hidden (from Jim Sweeney, anyway).

If the Hundred Acre Wood was a tall thick-trunked cock

Sweeney-the-Pooh would delight ever so much in getting his head stuck in big jars of "hunny."

If US attorneys were US cocktorneys

Jim Sweeney would only dismiss them for performance-related reasons.

Deep Reflections with Jim Sweeney

April showers might bring May flowers,
But all I really want is golden showers
And cock for hours.

If español was cockspañol

Jim Sweeney would definitely have the Spanish lisp.

If baby food was baby cocks

Jim Sweeney's fridge would be stacked full of tiny little jars.

If Creedence Clearwater Revival was Creedence Cockwater Revival

Jim Sweeney would be doo doo doo, lookin' out his backdoor.

If washer capacity was cock capacity

Jim Sweeney's dial would be permanently set to "Large Load."

If teen spirit was cock spirit

Jim Sweeney would reek of it.

If Jim Sweeney was an elephant

If cocaine was cockcaine

Jim Sweeney would gladly smuggle your eight-balls.
(contributed by Durty Aunt Kris and Uncle Brenty)

If surfers were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a giant tidal wave, swooping in to gobble them all up.

Kneeprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with Jim Sweeney.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed kneeprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of kneeprints,
other times there were one set of kneeprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or herpes,
I could see only one set of kneeprints.

So I said to Jim Sweeney,
“You promised me Jim,
that if I blew you,
you would go down on me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of kneeprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed your mouth most, you have not been there for me?”

Jim Sweeney replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of kneeprints in the sand,
is when I went down on you.”
-Cocknonymous

If the City of Lights was the City of Cocks

Jim Sweeney would yearn to live in Gay Paree!

If Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory was Willy Wonka's Cockolate Factory

Jim Sweeney would be lapping it up like Augustus Gloop.
(creative input by Durty Aunt Kris)

If melanin was cockanin

black would be the color of Jim Sweeney's true love's (pubic) hair.

If the color green was the color of cocks

Jim Sweeney would be 200% Irish.

Even if Taco Bell was Cocko Bell

Jim Sweeney would still have trouble thinking outside the bun.
(creative input by Uncle Brenty)

If the National Collegiate Athletic Association was the National Cock Adorers Association

Jim Sweeney would always choke in the post-season tournament.

If the vernal equinox was the vernal cockquinox

Jim Sweeney's celestial longitude would stretch a full 180 degrees.
(creative input by Durty Aunt Kris)

If the Periodic Table of Elements was the Periodick Table of Cocks

Jim Sweeney would be the world's leading expert on chemical taxonomy.

If basketballs were cocks

Jim Sweeney would play smothering defense.

If Irish people were cocks

Jim Sweeney would go to as many bars as possible on St. Patrick's Day...and drink LOTS of "green beer."

If Holy Cross was Holy Cock

Jim Sweeney would have picked them to go all the way...into his mouth.

If bananas were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be the ice cream all up in the middle of a banana split.

If your dead grandmother was a dead cock

Jim Sweeney would surely make a "donation" in her honor.
(contributed by Uncle Bill)

If going up for a layup was going down for a cock

Jim Sweeney would constantly be getting stuffed.

If disc golf was dicks golf

Jim Sweeney would leap to intercept every toss with his mouth.

If Project Runway was Project Cock

Jim Sweeney would always "make it work."

If Costco was Cockco

Jim Sweeney would need a forklift every time he went shopping.

If clockhands were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be turning them all back...toward his FACE!

If Skip-Bo cards were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be Trounces.

If watching NCAA basketball was watching cock

March would be utterly maddening for Jim Sweeney.

If comments were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be terribly excited about the new functionality we've added to this blog.

That's right, folks: in the hopes of making The Daily Cock a more participatory experience, we've enabled comments. Now you can suggest alternate punchlines for the myriad cock scenarios we work so diligently to provide. We do request that comments be limited to enhancement of the specific joke being commented on; as you doubtlessly know, it is far too easy to get carried away with cock jokes, and we'd hate to see anyone blow his or her load all in one day. Joke suggestions and concepts are, however, always welcome, at daily dot cock at yahoo dot com.

If cumulonimbus was cockulonimbus

Jim Sweeney would constantly be on "storm watch."

If "more cowbell" was "more cockbell"

Jim Sweeney would be the Bruce Dickinson. (And he definitely would not fear the reaper.)
(Conceptual input by Durty Aunt Kris)

If state nicknames were cock nicknames

Jim Sweeney would totally be the governor of Missouri--the "Show-Me" State.
(creative input by Uncle Brenty and Durty Aunt Kris)

If message boards were cock boards

Jim Sweeney would be the butt of every flame war.
(contributed by Durty Aunt Kris)

If 4-wheel drive was 4-cock drive

Jim Sweeney would love giving "Hummers."
(creative input by Uncle Bill)

If grade school matriculation was cock

Appointing Jim Sweeney Secretary of Education would ensure that no child is ever left behind.

If the coup de grace was the cock de grace

It would be performed with a large "sword," plunged between Jim Sweeney's shoulder blades.
(creative support by Uncle Phil)

If near-sightedness was cock-sightedness

myopia would be utopia for Jim Sweeney.

If the Wizard of Oz was the Wizard of Cock

Jim Sweeney would pay LOTS of attention to the man behind the curtain.

If STDs were cocks

Jim Sweeney would have gonoherpesyphillaids.

If Oscars were cocks

Jim Sweeney would need no time at all to prepare his acceptance "speech."

If George Bush was to habeas corpus as Jim Sweeney is to habeas cockus

None of the detainees would be languishing without due attention.
(contributed by Uncle Zac)

Deep Reflections with Jim Sweeney

If too many cooks spoil the soup,
then too many cocks...

There's no such thing as...
...

Fuck it, who wants some soup?

How do you calculate the circumference of Jim Sweeney's wide-open mouth?

C = 2 π r
π = pie
r = cock

Circumference of
Jim Sweeney's
wide-open mouth = 2 pie cock

If caulk was cock

Jim Sweeney would be that big crack alongside the bathtub, deperately in need of filling.

If Arabian thieves were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be Ali-Baba...but he would roll with WAY more than 40 of 'em.

If bloodtypes were cocktypes

Jim Sweeney's would be AB+, the universal receiver.

Jim Sweeney waxes Shakespearean:

Is this a cock which I see before me,
The handle toward my hand? Cum, let me clutch thee.
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
Art thou not, throbbing vision, sensible
To feeling as to sight? or art thou but
A cock of the mind, a false creation,
Proceeding from the heat-oppress'd brain?
I see thee yet, in form as palpable
As this which now I whip out.
Thou marshall'st me the way that I was going;
And such an instrument I was to use.
Mine cock and balls are made the fools o' the other senses,
Or else worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy face and dudgeon gouts of blood,
Which was not so before. There's no such thing:
It is the bloody cock-loving business which informs
Thus to mine eyes.

-MacCockBeth, Act II Scene I

If documentaries on VH1 were "cockumentaries"

Jim Sweeney would be behind ALL the music!

Q: What's the shortest distance between two cocks? (HINT: It sure ain't straight!)

A: Jim Sweeney. Obviously.
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)

Q: What is Jim Sweeney's favorite place to go for a burrito?

A: Cockpotle.
(creative input by Uncle Jesse)

If the phrase "sock it to me" was "cock it to me"

Jim Sweeney would be impersonating Dick Nixon on Laugh-in in 1967.
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)

Want to get Jim Sweeney something for Valentine's Day?

Get him a cock-shaped box of chocolates.
(creative input by Uncle Jesse)

If roses were cocks

Jim Sweeney would buy himself two dozen "long-stemmed."
(creative input by Uncle Jesse)

If $2600 pants were cocks

COME ON!
(creative support by Uncle Jesse)

If supporting our troops was supporting our cocks

Jim Sweeney would have at least 80 of those ribbon magnets on his car.

If every man in the world was named Bruce Heffernan

Jim Sweeney would be "all these homosexuals."

If sheep were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a sheep dog.

Jim Sweeney counts cocks instead of sheep when he's trying to fall asleep at night.

(creative input by Aunt Michelle)

If clubs were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a baby seal.

Jim Sweeney chews cock-flavored Bubble Yum.

If the salt waters of Rhode Island were densely populated with cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a goosefish (monkfish).
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)

If footballs were cocks

Jim Sweeney would never fumble.
OR
He would be every wide receiver on both the Bears and the Colts.

If bowling pins were cocks

Jim Sweeney would just slide down the lane with his mouth open instead of rolling a bowling ball.

If Jim Sweeney was Ozzy Osbourne

He would bite the head off a cock during every live performance...and drink the "blood."

If convicted felons were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be doling out cruel and unusual punishment.

If kung fu kicks to the head were cocks to the head

Jim Sweeney would be Jackie Chan's arch-nemesis.
(creative input by Jim Sweeney himself!)

If microphones were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be Freddie Mercury.
(conceptual input provided by Uncle Jacob)

If Tootsie Roll Pops were cocks

Jim Sweeney would know exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center.
(contributed by Aunt Michelle)

If crosses were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be director of The Cross Foundation.
OR
He would be the man in this photograph, cultivating his son's early faith.

If hot dogs were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be Takeru Kobayashi.
(concept by Uncle Jesse)

If negligence in updating this blog was cock

Jim Sweeney would be me.

If Paul Masson champagne was cock

Jim Sweeney would be drunker than Orson Wells circa 1979.
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)

If the State of the Union Address was the State of Jim Sweeney's Love for Cock Address

President Bush's assessment would still be the same: "strong."
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)

If six year-olds were cocks

Jim Sweeney would have about a dozen of them buried in his basement.

If computer geeks were cock geeks

Jim Sweeney would be 1337.

If snow was cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a little kid, rolling around in it and making snow angels. And catching snow flakes on his tongue.

If glue was cocks

Jim Sweeney's mouth would be sealed shut.

If volcanic island chains were cocks

Jim Sweeney would own a small private plane with pontoon landing gear.
(contributed by Jim Sweeney himself!)

If faux klingons were faux cocks

Jim Sweeney would be terribly disillusioned when he started his internship as a congressional page.
What's a faux klingon?
(contributed by Uncle Jesse)

If amputations were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a quadriplegic.

If x = cocks

Jim Sweeney = 500x.

If basketball was played with a big orange cock

Jim Sweeney would be every member of the Harlem Globetrotters.

If the Exxon Valdez was a giant cock

Jim Sweeney would be a baby seal. And covered in oil.
(conceptual input by Uncle Jesse)

If prom punch was spiked with cocks

Jim Sweeney would be the fat girl by the snack table.
(contributed by Aunt Michelle)

If massive troop escalations in Iraq were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be giving a special presidential address every night for the next month.

If the Danger Zone was cocks

Jim Sweeney would be on a highway, riding into it.

Welcome to the Danger Zone

Well, here we are on the outset of what promises to be a grand, emancipatory project. For those of you new to the game, a good place to start is, fittingly, at the "How It All Started" section. My undying gratitude to Uncle Dan and Uncle Jesse for their boundless enthusiasm and creativity, and to JS for his reluctant but generous blessing. Now without further ado...