If la cosa nostra were la cocka nostra

Guiseppe Sweeney would be ALL OVER this "thing" of ours.

If burgers were cocks

Jim Sweeney would totally be at the mercy of the King.

If buckeyes were cockeyes

Jim Sweeney would put the "NUT BUTT" in the peanut butter filling.

Q: Where will Jim Sweeney be in about 40 years?

A:

(Creative input by Durty Aunt Kris)

If honeybees were cockbees

Jim Sweeney would be an expert of the "waggle dance."

If leather bound books were leather bound cocks

Professor Sweeney would spend weeks holed-up in his "study."

If pumping iron were pumping cocks

Jim Sweeney would be fucking stacked!

If gang colors were cock colors

Jim Sweeney would always get his ass kicked, now matter what color he "wore."

If drive-by shootings were drive-by bukakke

Tha Jizzle Sweenizzle would get gunned down like every day.

If gobstoppers were man balls

Jim Sweeney would always go for the Jawbreakers.

If Sweeney were Weenie

Jim would collapse into himself...over and over again.

If Sun Protection Factor were Cock Protection Factor

Jim Sweeney would be "screening" beach goers left and right.

If sunscreen were cockscreen

Jim Sweeney would wear SPF -500.

If trumpets were cocks

Jim Sweeney would blow horns like Dizzy Gillespie.

If tropical storms were cockipal storms

Jim Sweeney would refuse to "board-up" his "house."

If cookouts were cockouts

Jim Sweeney would definitely bring all of the buns.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If going incognito were going incocknito

Special Agent Sweeney would've blown his cover long ago.
(Contributed by Uncle B-ill)

If the Black Crows were the Black Cocks

You could consider Jim Sweeney's money-maker shaken.
(Contributed by Uncle Brenty)

If Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were Teenage Mutant Ninja Cocks

Master Sweeney would be a sewer rat, training them to become strong and fearsome.

If Caucasian were Cockasian

Jim Sweeney would be an even pastier shade of white.

If Cockney accents were, well, Cockney accents

Jim Sweeney's pattern of speech would be totally unintelligible.

If Orthodox were Orthococks

Jim Sweeney would definitely be Greek.

If keeping kosher was keeping cocksure

Jim Sweenburgerstein would be fucking ULTRA-orthodox.

If the Diabeetus was the Cockabeetus

Jim Sweeney would be sicker than Wilford Brimley.

If A Clockwork Orange were A Cockwork Orange

Jimbo Sweeney would always be up for a bit of the old "ultraviolence."

Q: If a cock falls in the forest, does Jim Sweeney make a sound?

A: Yeah, "mmmmfmmmfmfmmmmmmfffmmmmmmm."

If country clubs were cock clubs

Jim Sweeney's would not be very exclusive at all.

If architecture were cockitecture

Jim Sweeney's entire structure would be "load-bearing."
(Conceptual inspiration by Uncle Destroyer)

If fossil fuels were cocks

Jim Sweeney would be a one-man energy crisis.

If Jim Sweeney was a Transformer

He would roll around town flaunting his amazing ability to morph from a big gay truck into a big gay robot.

If diamonds were cocks

Jim Sweeney's grill would be all fucking "iced-out."